Orange Pen Thoughts of the Day

As my name is more and more constantly dragged through the mud in this shit hole of a town, I wish and desire to look at the sky with fingers pointed straight up and ask myself out loud, "what is all of this for?"

So, I realized something, high school rocked because everyone knew me. However, now, I like it when people leave me alone. Seclusion, though depressing, is what my life has taken as its outlet.

Be it, feel it, and live it... and for the sake of all things undead, hold on for your life; its about to get a little bumpy up here.

I have worked hard to lose my weight, and am extremely proud of myself. I do not appreciate it when people have nothing better to do than make stories about me and my 'apparent weight problem'.

Frankly, I have learned to turn the other cheek, and could really give a shit what most of the general public thinks about me.

To the point, straight from the stud horse's mouth, I'm not addicted to meth, I'm not on meth, and I would greatly appreciate it if Humboldt Iowa would think of something better to do than watch me lose weight.

Halt; after looking around this county, I think everyone should watch me lose weight, and follow suit. Maybe you are all just pissed off cuz you are all fat asses...

I have been away from my loyal subjects for many many moons. I have neglected what truly kept me from myself. And now, filled with angst, this is what it all has succumb to.

I have been neglecting my life quite a bit in the last year. I broke off a three year relationship with Jadie Gronbach, the girl of my dreams, because I was scared of her leaving me and making me look like a fool. She is now engaged to Preston Peterson, and I hope they are going to be very happy together.

I, on the other hand, am in a dead end somewhat of a relationship with a girl that is balls deep in love with me. I don't have any desire to pursue 'us' in any way, and tell her this somewhat daily, but she still thinks we are something we aren't.

After going my separate ways with Jadie, I turned my life in a different direction. I hung out with new friends, completely renounced every religion, showed no sign of emotion what-so-ever unless it was while playing my guitar, and basically had no conscience.

Living this life for a year has led me to a few conclusions:

• Most of the friends I have now, don't really know too much about me. This, makes me think that they might not be friends at all except for the fact that I know they care about me.
• I am, and have been, extremely depressed since the 9th grade of high school when my dad became an alcoholic, and it is only that now almost 6 years later that I feel my own life is worthless
• I am poor. I have no money because I don't trust anyone, not even my parents. I still live with them, but I have bills to pay. My low per year income leaves me with little money to have to myself.
• I have done and seen many things in life. Many more than many other people... and I still think that out of everything I have ever heard or seen, nothing has ever spoken to me...

I have no remorse for anything I have done in my life, for if I did, that would be pity. Pity my dearest readers, is only given by the weakest and most pathetic individuals ever.

Conclusion: I am not happy with my life right now, and wouldn't mind it one bit if anyone walked up to me and offed me. I wake up every morning and do the same exact thing over and over again. I don't really know what I want from life, at all. So I will sit here and wait for the Christians' Angel of Death to come and take my soul, for I have no use for it on this world.

I forgot to tell everyone that i went to an Iron Maiden concert!

'when I travel to Heaven I want peace in my soul.'

I cried... and I dont know why...

The title says it all... but if you would like to read some more about déjà vu check out HowStuffWorks.com. They say that déjà vu happens most often in people 18-25

My personal theory is this:

The United States Government were actually on the same side of issues as the hippies of the 60s. In turn for their votes, the hippies would receive LSD and Shrooms from the government. Now, the hippies have grown up, and have kids. Todays society will have déjà vu only because of the US Government. If you have never had it, thank your parents. They were one of the few and proud willing to fight the machine!!!

And well... I guess there you have it.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween. Anybody dress up as anything cool? I'm not talking stripper cool. I'm not talking machine gun cool. Hell I'm talking 'first time you ever saw fruit in Jell-O at your grandma's house on Thanksgiving' cool. I know a fucking baby that was almost dressed up like a Tootsie Roll. That's cool.

Footnote: My personal theory has absolutely zero factual evidence

Yesterday I got a new computer. Its pretty nice. A Dell that has a few things I like and a few things I don't like. Hopefully I can post more now. Maybe more later

The last month or so has been extremely eventful. I went to college, dropped out, got in a major fight with my parents which will in turn cause me to move out of my household and start my long boring miserable life living out of a hole in the wall...

My computer took a dump. After 5 years of great work, I woke up one morning and my computer wasn't working. Hard drive took a dump along with about 8,000 songs, hundreds of photos, every website I made in the last 5 years, over 200 music videos, and who knows what all else.

I have been struggling to keep up on my social life. I now dont have a band, so meeting girls isn't as easy as it once used to be. I'm trying my best to keep my head above the water, however the water is flooding me under.

I hate my job, I hate my life, and I'm just all around pissed off at myself for letting myself be this unhappy... Worst of all... I don't know what to do...